Do you see me carrying a toddler around on my hip?

I have such a headache right now. I hate headaches. I hate headaches caused by crying. I hate crying. Especially if it’s practically on a daily basis. Dad called today. No, that in itself isn’t that bad, but… well, there’re a few obstacles. First we don’t know if we can switch this apartment to a bigger one (which is 300 € more expensive, so that’s another thing we gotta think about). If we can, then getting a Net connection won’t be that difficult. It’ll just cost about 60€ a month, which is kinda nuts if you can get it for 15€… Anyway, if we can’t switch apartments… Bigger problem. It’ll be really expensive to get the Net installed in here and the contract has to be for a whole year. feels like hitting head against a wall Still, that wasn’t the thing that made me cry. Sure it was really sucky news, but not something I’d cry about if it were they only thing. Noooo, it’s what comes after that. He called at 2:30 p.m. and asked what we’re about to do. I told him that we’re gonna go to the store (which we did) and that’s about it. He asked me if I had already gotten the Code de Route. I told him that I’d get it tomorrow when I go get Jaz from school because the only place I know where I could get it from is at Montgomery and I don’t feel like walking all the way over there just for one book. It’s at this point when he calls us “hessus”. I am not like my uncle. I actually do do something during the day. It’s not as easy as it sounds, cooking & cleaning & laundry by hand. And Jaz goes to school during the day, works her ass off on schoolwork during the evenings. But that comment, it just.. brought up the feeling of being inadequate again. I know he doesn’t mean to, but it just hurts. God.. this is giving me flashbacks of him trying to teach me Math. I’m terrible at it. He’s like this genius. And of course, because I am his daughter, I’m supposed to be good at Math as well. Which I so obviously am not. I failed Math. Big time. He thinks that this is supposed to be fun, living by ourselves. I’m sure it would be, if it’d feel like Jaz and I were roommates. But it feels more like I’m a substitute mother. He has no idea what it’s like being 19, having this responsibility of making sure that Jaz has enough clean clothes and versatile foods… I’m also pretty terrified that something’ll happen and I won’t be able to take care of it. Something like someone’ll break in and rob us. I just want to take care of myself and no one else. I am my own responsibility. That’s it. If I wanted to take care of someone else, I’d have a baby. Do you see me carrying a toddler around on my hip? Nope. This is another reason why I want to go to university. It’s just me. None of the baggage that being around family brings. I love them all to bits, but really… I feel like I just can’t live if I’m surrounded by them all the time. Then he asked if I knew anything about my university applications. As in if I had been offered a place or not. The only way I’d know before they did was if I went online. But how can I get online??? I’ve had NO access to the Net for almost two weeks.